The Insurmountable Tide
by yokatahata
Summary: Can your tender face be forgotten? Can my heart be consoled? Can I live again? I am afraid it seems impossible, for your face continues to haunt my dreams and the memories of you do not relent in tormenting me mercilessly. I am dying.


Severus Snape stood outside of the church, staring up its steps towards its open entrance. He was unsure whether he was permitted there; he was unsure whether James and Lily would have permitted him entry. Because of his error, because of what he had done, he'd never know. It was his very fault that they were laying there, open for visitation.

He sighed, raised his eyes to the sky, and encouraged himself. Then he climbed the steps one by one, slowly, and entered the building. A line of familiar faces was slowly nearing the two open caskets, many of them sobbing their eyes out, dabbing their faces with tissues every minute or so. Others wore blank faces, clearly unable to register and accept what had happened. They merely gazed with shock down into the faces of the two Potters, whose voices they'd never hear again. They'd never enjoy James's wit again. They'd never witness Lily's infinite supply of passion and compassion. Those two figures now belonged to a different world, and they weren't ready to accept that they were, indeed, gone.

Snape joined the back of the line and waited patiently. As he peered over the shoulder of the crying woman in front of him, he saw a sole pale figure standing beside the casket, greeting, thanking, and mourning with the visitors. It was Remus Lupin, alone. Snape couldn't imagine how that poor man must have felt at the moment – to have lost three friends and learned another was responsible for one of the worst mass murders in Wizarding history. Yet, he looked as composed as ever, resolute, firm and ready to behave as James, Sirius, and Lily would have under the same circumstances – aggrieved but strong. Snape examined his eyes closely and saw that they were red, probably both from a lack of sleep and many hours of heavy weeping.

The line moved forward and Snape was now able to actually see the bodies to the right. The caskets were open before the altar of the church, right beneath the stained glass window facing to the east. Through the window depicting the Virgin birth pierced many colorful rays of light, all of which landed upon the couple. Their faces were a rainbow, of a glorious mix of green, red, yellow, purple, and blue.

A tiny ray of the light touched Lupin's head, turning it purple. Snape couldn't help but think that he looked beautiful. He'd never sympathized with Remus before; he regarded with the same frustration that he did the other Marauders, but now that everything had changed, now that they had lost all that they had known, they were united, together in the same boat, tormented by the ocean with no destination that stood before them.

Snape couldn't help himself: As the line moved forward, he felt tears prick his eyes. He felt all the pressure that was mounting within begin to overwhelm him. What he had tried to suppress for the last several days finally surmounted all the walls he could construct against it: the levy broke and Snape clutched his heart, his throat aching, his entire soul filled with anguish. He wanted to collapse against the cross on the altar, cling to it desperately, and pray to the Lord that this was a dream, that he could awaken and see James and Lily alive again, Remus together in harmony with Sirius as they had been for the last five years, and that utterly helpless Harry at home with his parents again.

Those fantasies could never be; what had happened could never be changed again. What was done was done.

As though in answer to these thoughts, the caskets suddenly presented themselves right in front of him. The woman in front of him had turned to leave the building, sobbing hysterically, and she had left him free to visit.

"I'm sorry, Lupin," Snape muttered offhandedly. Lupin was looking at him with the most unintelligible face, a mixture of shock, anger, and mercy. The werewolf did not speak but merely stood still.

Snape, taking his silence as allowance, approached the caskets. He knelt between them and rested his hand on the one on the left. He peered over the rim and saw within the body of Lily Evans. Her face was raw with emotion: not with terror, as was typical of victims of Avada Kedavra, but resolution and love. She never gave up, not even at the end of all things. A grin appeared briefly on Snape's face as he reflected that this was the attitude she always displayed. Her green eyes were alive with courage, and her arms covered her chest. Her body was wearing the same dress that she wore on her first dance with James: a red silk. It seemed gaudy in the coffin.

Snape turned his head to the right and looked at James. His face was furious, just as unafraid as Lily's; Snape had learned from Dumbledore that James had died fighting, and he fought to the very bitter end. His handsome face contorted with rage and passion, he must have never seen the green light coming. He wore a black suit with a blue tie.

Severus Snape examined Lily's face one last time, the face he'd never see again, the face he'd never touch once more. Though he knew it was discourteous, he never managed to suppress the urge; his arm jerked forward and he rested his hand softly against Lily's pale cheek. Snape dragged his long fingers against her skin, appreciating how smooth it was.

Then he stood up and hastened to the door. He did not even look at or give any sign of recognition to Lupin, though he did out of the corner of his eyes see that the man was livid, as though he had violated Lily like he had before.

Snape ignored him. He no longer cared. He stumbled down the aisle, clinging to the pews every once in a while for support, as tears streamed down his face.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Lupin grabbed Snape by the shoulders fiercely and slammed him against the stone wall of the alley. Snape's shoulders burned with pain, but he could do nothing to stop them. Lupin stared into his eyes with a helplessness that was of the most unforgettable sadness Snape had ever beheld in his life. The man was shaking, his robes were in disorder, and he hadn't shaved for several days. He was losing himself.

"Snape, I honestly don't know what to do anymore," Lupin cried in a hoarse voice.

Snape was expecting violence and scoldings, but not this.

"James would have been highly disappointed to see you behave this way, I must say," Snape replied back. He had no idea what else to articulate.

"I already know that, you bastard – you don't have to remind me. But now I'll never know what he'd say. I'll never hear his voice again." Tears poured down Lupin's face.

Snape was still trying at this time to wrap his mind around the fact that he'd never see James or Lily again too. It was still unbelievable. It was though they had gone on a brief vacation and would return any day.

"You seemed so fine yesterday at the visitation," Snape said.

"You know I just had to act like that to put on an image," Remus growled.

"Aren't we all?" Snape inquired carelessly.

Lupin loosened his hold on Snape, glaring at him with an anger he never emanated toward anyone before.

"You make me sick. Do you not care at all?" Remus asked.

"Of course I do. Don't question my emotions."

"Then why aren't you displaying more sympathy, Snivellus?" Remus demanded.

"One: do not refer to me by that name ever again please," Snape replied. "Second: don't pretend you are isolated in your pain. You seem to have focused solely on yourself and not bothered to consider in the slightest what I am experiencing presently. Can you even imagine the remorse and melancholy I am experiencing?"

With that, Snape gathered his cloak around his neck, gripped it tightly, and strolled out of the alleyway, leaving a shocked Lupin behind. Lupin had no idea why Snape had used the word "remorse" to describe his feelings – was he regretting falling in love with Lily?

Meanwhile, the Half-Blood Prince himself prayed that the man would never find out why he was so tormented by the most painful regret; as he stopped at the corner of the street and Apparated back to Spinner's End.

Snape wondered whether he could ever awake looking forward to another day again.


End file.
